The Guide to Building a Healthy Relationship

Published on 19th May 2020

Ellie Chu from Netflix’s recent hit movie The Half of It described love in the most honest and sensible way. “Love is messy, horrible, and selfish, and bold. It is not finding your perfect half. It is the trying, and reaching, and failing.”

We all know that love and relationships are complicated. For every love song out there, there are a hundred songs about heartbreak. Humans have accomplished so many great things, yet we somehow still cannot figure this out.

Achieving a healthy and happy relationship is actually quite simple. The first step is realizing love is not perfect and will not solve our problems. We do not live in a fairytale or romantic comedy, after all. The second step is to put the following tips into practice:

Get to know each other first.

One of the number one reasons relationships fail after the honeymoon phase is deceit. This does not mean cheating or unfaithfulness. Rather, it is when one or both people in the relationship pretend to be somebody they are not.

It is only natural that you want to be liked, so you put your best foot forward. This becomes a problem, though, when you become a different person to please your partner. You should not have to hide your true identity because acceptance is a part of healthy relationships. If they cannot accept you, then they are not the one for you.

In the “getting to know” stage, you might ask about their hobbies, favorite food, and favorite movies. This is a good way to know if you are compatible. However, you should not only be compatible with your interests, but with your future goals as well.

Some people might think discussing the future early on in a relationship is premature. These things have to be talked about so you are on the same page as a couple. You do not want to find out you have different views on marriage after five years.

Listen to your partner.

As a couple, you will not always agree or get along. Arguments and disagreements are normal. What is important is you do not let them escalate into petty or heated fights. Unfortunately, this is what usually happens.

When you sense that an argument is coming on, take a deep breath, and try to calm down. Avoid raising your voice and returning any mean jabs. Those things are counterproductive and will not solve the problem at hand.

Listen to what your partner is saying and try to decipher what they actually want to say. They might be putting up a defense mechanism or pinning their insecurities onto you.

It is worth noting that during arguments, many people listen to argue back. They do not listen to understand. You have to make your partner feel you understand where they are coming from. Do not invalidate their feelings.

Be honest and trust in each other.

Trust and honesty are the basic building blocks of any relationship, romantic or not. If you do not trust your partner, things will not end well.

For people who have had experiences with infidelity and abandonment in the past, trusting someone is not easy. Since they have been betrayed before, they are hesitant to put faith in another person again. Gaining their trust will take lots of patience. And if you are that person, you have to be willing to open up and be vulnerable.

How do you become a trustworthy person? By being honest and telling the truth. You might be tempted to tell a white lie or omit the truth to avoid hurting their feelings. This is a big no-no, and will only hurt your relationship later on.

You might even be tempted to lie because you are afraid of how your partner will react. In this situation, you need to be honest and tell them exactly what your fears are. Let them know that you are scared of losing them, but you will tell them the truth anyway.

Know yourself and what you want.

You know what they say. Before you can love someone else, you have to love yourself first. It is difficult to distinguish what a healthy relationship is if you do not have confidence in yourself.

Before you even get into a relationship, you should know yourself. Ask yourself these questions: What am I looking for in a partner? Do I have any deal-breakers, and if I do, what are they?

Knowing the answer to these will allow you to find your ideal partner. If you do not know what you want, you may end up settling for something less. Doing this will only cause resentment and leave you both disappointed. Too many people end up in unsatisfactory relationships because they choose to settle.

Having said that, if you do not necessarily have an ideal partner in mind, there is nothing wrong with that. For some people, being loved and cared for is enough in a relationship. Only you will be able to determine that.

Be your own person.

It is never good to be in a codependent relationship Sure, you may enjoy spending every waking moment with your partner in the first few months. However, spending too much together is not exactly healthy.

Codependency in a romantic relationship is when you rely too much on the other person. This can be in terms of your finances, social life, or daily activities. You might be relying on your partner to give you validation and self-esteem.

If you and your partner do not spend any time apart, you may be in the beginning stages of codependency. Most couples are away from each other at least a couple of hours a day because of their jobs. Some couples do not see each other days or even months due to busy schedules or long distance.

Of course, spending quality time together is important. However, you and your partner have your own identities and your own lives. Try to take up separate hobbies or meet up with non-mutual friends. This will allow you to have some space to miss each other.